Last night a new reality show premiered on E! called "Bridalplasty." That's right, "Bridalplasty" - twelve vaguely psychotic (and clearly morbidly insecure) women competing for their dream wedding, and -- good god, we can't believe this is actually happening -- the plastic surgery of their choice. It's hard to know where to go from here, because that sound you just heard was society and/or television hitting rock bottom. We were trying to think of other TV shows that make us want to do some sick in our mouths as much as this one, but it was hard -- so instead we came up with some songs that do the same thing. Prepare to have that bad taste linger on a little longer.
5. "She Wolf," Shakira
So here's Shakira wandering through what we can only assume is a bedazzled vagina, pretending to be a very, very bendy dog and then attempting to put on a one-woman Folsom Street Fair (we get it, love, your S.F. skyline backdrop didn't escape us). Shame on you, Shakira. If you were really a massive masochist, your cage wouldn't be all gold and shiny like that -- you'd be doing that weird my-butt-is-controlling-the-rest-of-me dance in a filthy kennel. And it wouldn't be on a roof in front of Coit Tower either -- it'd be in the corner of a dirty SOMA motel room. Either way, your limbs are creeping us out. Put some pants on, woman!
Truth be told, the only reason this leaves a bad taste in our mouths is because we love it so very, very much, when we know we're really not supposed to. What makes it worse -- aside from all the rampant objectification that somehow ceases to matter in this context -- is that if this comes on at a party when you've already consumed too much tequila, it hypnotizes you into performing some of the most embarrassing booty dances in history (like, even worse than when Beyonce's "Crazy In Love" comes on -- come on, you know you've all done it).
3. "I'm A Slave 4 U," Britney Spears
After fetishizing school girls ('cause that needed to happen more) and asking to be hit one more time, young Britters went one step further in declaring her own self-hatred to the world and offered herself up for slavery -- while also demonstrating a frightening inability to spell (probably because she spent all her time in school showing off her bra, getting her belly out and dancing around the quad). This whole song and video is like having a flashback to the time you saw the depressed girl in middle school flash all the boys in a misguided mission to become more popular. We feel both shame and pity. All over our bodies.
2. "Dirrty," Christina Aguilera (feat. Redman)
If Britney is the depressed, flashing girl in Middle School, Xtina is the high school drunk who sleeps with the entire football team in search of some self-esteem. Seeing teeny, tiny Christina, legs open, surrounded by beefy, shirtless, oily, tattooed dudes in a boxing ring is a genuinely frightening image -- like how you'd feel if you saw a lone woman accidentally wander into a maximum security prison yard unguarded. Also, she looks like if you touched her skin it would leave behind a greasy film on your hand. And that makes us gag a little bit.
1. "The Thong Song," Sisqo
Even if you can ignore the fact that Sisqo wrote a song about literally the most unflattering (and useless -- unless you're going to need a slingshot later on in the afternoon) form of underwear known to womankind, it's difficult to imagine that anyone could look at his incredibly earnest facial expressions here, weird little two-fingered gloves, silver spray paint hairdo and insanely comical ocean-side gymnastics, and not be filled with a vague sense of nausea anyway. Aside from anything else, a video that ends with piles of bare, jiggling, neon lady asses probably shouldn't be started with images of a four-year-old girl. Seriously. What genius thought that was shitting appropriate? Maybe getting some lipo with your wedding isn't so bad afterall.
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